twilight: porn

breaking dawn: an ending

So I finished up BD while driving to work this morning, and I guess I'm stronger now? Let's discuss the finer points:

1. J. Fucking Jenks
What the fuck? Seriously? You took THAT LONG describing how TERRIBLY IMPORTANT it is to get the Doom Baby proper papers so Jacob can legally spirit her out of the country? The boy spent portions of this book in Canada? I am 100% positive that he didn't show customs his passport on the way back in for Bella's wedding. I am just gobsmacked--yes, gobsmacked--that in a 750+ page novel, this actually merits more than two paragraphs of my time. An editor should have taken SMeyer aside, showed her every page with the name J Jenks on it, and burned it in front of her to get the point across that THIS. IS. STUPID. STORYTELLING.

2. Chess
So I read somewhere that SMeyer wanted the big confrontation at the end to be more of a game of wits and strategy than physical action. This is probably because she's only ever moved her stories along by forcing people to talk instead of act. Which is fine, if boring. So that was the problem with the majority of the scene with the Volturi. They sat around in a field and tried to "outwit" each other, which is a scream, let me tell you. That goes on for like a trillion pages and then finally the Volturi take their toys and go home. Everyone celebrates by kissing and hugging.

3. The Shapeshifters
So apparently Jacob is not a werewolf. He's a shapeshifter. Fun new fact to throw at us after a couple thousand pages with only a couple chapters left! And then Edward's all like, "Yeah, I kinda knew that all along. I mean, notice how it's day outside and here's Jacob in wolf form? Am I the only one with sense here?" And Bella's all, "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS EARLIER?" And he says, literally, "It didn't come up."

Uh, Edward, I think it came up back in New Moon. You know, when all those guys suddenly turned into wolves? You couldn't have mentioned this back then?

4. The Set Up
So the only way the Cullens get out of not being destroyed is the appearance of Nahuel, hybrid vampire baby of doom who is 150 years old. Huzzah! Nahuel didn't end the world o' vampire, and this means everyone can stop freaking out about Doom Baby Nessie aging and eventually looking, like, old and stuff. That would be horrible. But, just so we're clear, don't think Nahuel is getting out of this without a not so subtle jab that he'll be vying with Jacob over little Nessie's heart in a short six and a half years.

And here's the thing: I totally think Nahuel is going to win. Lots of people have put a lot of emphasis on how disgusting/crazy it is that Jacob imprints on Nessie, the Doom Baby. I, too, think it's disgusting. Don't get me wrong. Imprinting has a bunch of offensively hilarious problems with it, pedophilia being the worst and most shocking of them all. How SMeyer doesn't get called out repeatedly on her shit is one of the problems I pondered a lot while listening to this. That said, SMeyer tempers the batshit by informing us repeatedly through Jacob that he is not romantically interested in the Doom Baby. Whether or not he means he's not romantically interested now is not exactly put to much scrutiny, since that would raise the pedophile flag again...not that SMeyer hadn't gone there before, because she already did. Regardless, she seems to go out of her way to insist that Jacob is only attached to Doom Baby in a platonic sense. Nahuel isn't bound by that predicament. Plus, there's this little nugget from Cleolinda that packages up SMeyer's potential spin off Twilight stories with a nice little bow. And details why it's so awful, of course.

Thus, Jacob is definitely ending up with Leah. AS IT SHOULD BE.

5. Um...the rest?
Everything is sunshine and butterflies! Not one of them dies! Not one dirty diaper needed to be changed. Marriage is 24/7 bliss. Whatever downsides vampirism may have had are no longer important because Bella can keep Jacob around now...he's practically, um, family! In a platonic sense! Her dad is remarkably okay with all of this! Just don't say the word "vampire" around him. It is a literal happy ending. No one suffered except for the one girl who had it coming, and honestly no one cares about anyone who is not a Cullen family member. So she doesn't even count.

6. Free Will
Garrett delivers a lengthy monologue about how the Volturi are taking away their free will...to the Volturi. That takes balls, Garrett. You're now officially my favorite character. If only you didn't exist in a SMeyer novel! I'm sure someone else would have written you well as a main character. Anyway. What is this free will thing? Am I supposed to believe people had free will in this book to begin with? The wolves imprint, which isn't exactly free will. Turns out Jacob was never attracted to Bella at all because he was attracted to the potential of the Doom Baby hovering around in Bella's ovaries...so that's not exactly free will either. Bella and Edward are so codependent it's hard to figure out what's going on there. Regardless, I think it's hilarious that they're all pissed at the Volturi about free will when the whole thing has been about taking that very thing away from every character in the book, relationship-wise, since day one.

7. The Mormon Allegory
It's far more amusing when read that way. Just sayin'. (I do not think at all that SMeyer wrote this to be a Mormon allegory, but the chances she wrote one without realizing are pretty high.)

I think I'm done with this now. I could keep going, but I'm just completely done. No more SMeyer for me!

Unless she writes a story about Garrett...no, never mind. She'll ruin him.
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