30 Rock: jack/liz

breaking dawn: part...whatever.

One word: boring.

I think I'm about 81% through this colossal waste of time, trees, energy, money, and possibly sanity. Bella is running around with a rapid-growth human/vampire monster baby clinging to her back like a blood sucking monkey with exceptionally pretty hair. There is a sudden influx of seventeen vampires, most of which are the dining on humans variety, that even results in Smeyer musing that no one will ever keep them all straight. And we can't, believe me. A Garrett popped up with a speaking role and I didn't even bother questioning it. It was like, "Hey, Garrett! I'm sure your opinion is super important or something!"

So, basically, Bella is an awesome vampire, you guys. She has such amazing self-control that Carlisle muses that not killing people might be her super power.

(I would like to point out that vampire super powers are lame. Smeyer Vampires are the X-Men, which is just fine, but they're not nearly as interesting. They wear clothes in neutral tones, and their super powers are, in most cases, just hyperactive feelings. Occasionally one of them comes along with something useful to show off--zapping people like a human taser, making it rain or something, seeing the future, reading minds--but most of them are super, super lame. For instance, Renesmee's is apparently showing people instead of telling them with her brain. Woohoo. Also, how does it make sense for Alice and Jasper's powers to pick up on Bella when no one else can? It's rather convenient that only certain people can get a read on her while others can't, ie. the Volturi.)

Of course, we all know that Bella's vampire super power is being a human shield, which, let me tell you, is mind bogglingly boring to read about. Bella running around killing mountain lions managed to offend me, because seriously why are you killing predators? Kill the overpopulated dear, for fuck's sake! And if I have to read the word "feeble" one more time I am going to rip the CD out of my car and fling it onto the highway!

*sigh*

Okay. So Renesmee is a child prodigy four year old or something, but she's really about a month old. She can talk in full sentences, because learning grammar is for pussies. Then she runs off and kills an elk or something, which...she's seriously like a toddler. Just try to envision this. I can't. I try and my brain implodes.

Then Jacob takes it upon himself to show Bella's dad that he's a werewolf, and yeah, Bella might not be entirely human either and is he okay with this? Sure! Just don't say the word vampire, because then he'd have to become one. Although I don't get why they wouldn't want him to become a vampire, because it's not like being a vampire is a life worse than death. Usually you want to save people from certain doom, not eternal life being a god with awesome hyperactive emotive powers. There is no logic here! Anyway, they decide to keep this Bella is a shhh!vampire from mom, though, because we know she'd freak. (I don't think she'd freak. I think she'd think it was awesome, given how cavalier she was about Bella's wedding.)

Then, randomly, some vampire chick gets all huffy after seeing Renesmee down this deer and automatically assumes that it's the dreaded vampire child instead of the vampire/human child of doom and runs off to tell the Volturi, who decide to pack up the wives and do some serious killing. Only it's going to take them, like, maybe three months to get there? Despite them probably knowing where the Cullens live? Or...I don't know. Admittedly, I zone in and out because it's so effing boring and everyone won't stop talking.

So they get this idea to call all their friends to their aid. All seventeen of them! And suddenly we're swamped with vampires who all have to have individual reactions to how awesome Renesmee is and it is disgusting how much they all love her. Then Bella gets it into her head to have Edward teach her to fight, but he's a huge brooding dork about it and gets all "it's too real, OMG I'm having a panic attack" while Bella sulks and goes to get Emmett, spender of much time talking to everyone about Bella's sex life.

To be totally honest, Edward in this book is a complete waste of space. When Bella's not obsessing over how perfect he is (a la Twilight through part one of Breaking Dawn) he's just this guy who takes up space and says the word "love" as a term of endearment all the time, which is the first time that word has irritated me past the point of no return. It's remarkable how he went from front and center, to this guy who's around and sometimes says things.

A lot of this is doom baby's presence. Instead of being all dazzled (seriously, that's the other word I get all ragey over because she uses it all the time) by Edward, Bella is dazzled by Renesmee because she is the doom baby/ultimate mary sue and how can she not be obsessed with her?

Then there's the problem of the seventeen vamp friends, many of whom eat humans. HOWEVER, out of respect for the Cullens and the werewolves, they do this in, like, the county over. There is MASS MURDER going on in the county over and it is ALL BELLA'S FAULT and she gives that about two seconds of thought. Why? Because they're merely mortal, imperfect, nonglittery humans! They are all accessories to murder, consorting with murderers, and think that it's hunky dory and I couldn't help but think to myself that this is where these stupid girl/vampire stories hit a wall. Right here. HELLO. VAMPIRES KILL PEOPLE. It's like falling in love with a serial killer, and how often does that happen in YA fiction? Even the "good" vampires slip up. For instance, the Vampire Diaries. Stefan ran around killing people left and right because he's a blood alcoholic (yay for easy justifications!), and Elena's all "I love you, but seriously killing people is, like, a downer" while she's in serious sexual tension with Damon, the flagrant human killer. I seriously doubt Elena's reasoning capabilities at this point. Much like Sookie and Bella. The only one who ever gets out of it is Buffy, and only because she's awesome and that show managed to have some sort of moral compass. There were consequences. There are NONE in Twilight, The Vampire Diaries and True Blood. Sure, Damon and Stefan and Bill and Edward and Spike and ANGEL are all broody and tortured, but mainly it's because they aren't freaking human, not because they're running around killing people. It's just kill! Kill, kill, kill! And then sex/cuddling with the idiotic human girl who spurs on their brooding because they live forever and immortality is so hard and cry me a river.

I seriously am taking a break from vampire fiction after this. Except for True Blood, because the hilarity surrounding the Sookie/Bill/Eric dynamic keeps me intrigued.

I feel like I have more to say about this stupidity, but the main consensus is BORING. I'm not even really that offended anymore. Just confused, slightly horrified by the bad writing, and bored.
Tags:
Have you gotten to the part where Bella and Edward feel really sad that Bella didn't end up with Jacob, so they promise to fork over Renesmee for sexing when she's old enough?

Because that's the only thing I know about Breaking Dawn.
I vaguely remember a conversation amidst many, many conversations where Bella freaked out over Jacob imprinting on Renesmee. To the point where she lunges at his head...only to have the chapter end and conveniently dump us back in talking mode. I don't think I've gotten to the "forking over someday" scene yet.
I really hope there's actual forking over, or else I will be very disappointed.

Man, it's good thing I've never actually read the books or else I'd be REALLY disappointed.