stock: warning

Breaking Dawn: part trois

I've got to say, Jacob's portion of Breaking Dawn was dull enough to cause my irritated stabbing at the forward button so I could get to the bloody birthing scene. The scene which is infamous for its horrifying gore, which I suppose would have been horrifying had it not been written by Stephenie Meyer. Anyway, some points:

1. Holy Crow!
Bella, no one says "holy crow." Well, apparently Mormons say "holy crow" a whole lot, because cursing is forbidden, but aren't we just switching out a word that is widely understood as a curse word with a special, Mormon curse word? Doesn't that make "crow" just as bad as shit and crap and fuck? Isn't the point of forbidding cursing to, I don't know, not curse at all? When something unexpected happens, one is supposed to say, "Why, that's unexpected! How surprising!" Not "holy crow!" And thus ends my discussion on how forbidding cursing is stupid.

2. Blah blah blah
Moving on. Jacob is far more dull than I would have thought possible. However, I maintain that his personality was butchered in the later half of New Moon when he became a werewolf, and, as we all know, most male supernatural creatures are jerks stripped of personality the moment they break the laws of nature. Anyway, Jacob's pack decides to kill Bella (which we all know they're not going to do, because they're just not) and Jacob has his come to Jesus moment and suddenly becomes an Alpha and runs off to warn the Cullens. This sparks a lot of talking. A lot. All the while, Jacob is pissed that Bella actually likes having him around (she's married, and married women are not supposed to enjoy the company of other men even in a platonic sense, obviously). Edward spends all his time clinging to Bella's leg like a spider monkey and trying not to sob his perfect topaz/black/red eyes out. Bella's dealing with the Monster Baby, which is somehow cracking her ribs despite the fact that the placenta is made out of vampire skin (somehow) and is like a bubble of steel. If the baby is in a steel bubble, how the fuck can it even technically harm Bella?

Well, never you mind. That's logic encroaching on craziness, and there's so much left to wade through. I started skipping forward drastically, because Jacob is reticent to let the Cullens feed and clothe him and that's about 90% of his time as the narrator. No, Jacob doesn't want your bacon and your beige slacks! God! But he does apparently take Edward's Aston Martin to go lady cruising at the mall.

Back to Bella, she's discovered that blood tastes great! After three whole books of freaking out and panicking every time she gets a paper cut. Monster Baby loves blood, but eventually Bella clumsily tries to pick up a cup and all hell breaks loose. There's projectile blood vomiting leading to a clothes explosion that is followed by spine breakage. Then Edward does chow down on her stomach to get the baby out of the vampire steel bubble. More blood. Blood, blood, blood. Then the baby has the nerve to bite Bella before the vampiring begins and Jacob feels the pull he had toward Bella literally shift out the door. He decides she's died, because Bella's life is all about his lust, I suppose. Only then he walks outside, having come to the decision to kill everyone except Edward, and discovers that Monster Baby is his true forever love. Huzzah! Confetti for everyone!

Actually, for a few minutes there I felt this was actually some very nice insight into the mind of a pedophile. I'm sure that wasn't what Steph was going for, but it's what I was thinking.

3. Back to Bella. Officially.
Apparently she's in so much pain she wants to die, but since she can't die anymore she'll just have to put up with it. But instead of screaming and flailing around, which she'd really like to do, she doesn't because that would upset Edward. God knows we can't upset him, because he's spending the entire several hours breathing on her face while his vampire venom (which I suppose he...milked from his teeth or...somewhere?) repairs her spine and vital organs and makes her all perfectly perfect in every perfect way. Bella counts the seconds, which is a not so handy way of telling us six or so hours pass until she can ninja out of the bed and be awesome. Also, looking at Edward causes her to lose her speech. She literally needs another synonym for perfect, because Edward's face has eclipsed "perfect". Becoming a vampire doesn't mean she's been reborn with a bigger vocabulary, unfortunately. May I suggest sublime?

Up next: Bella outvampires everyone, her climb to the heights of Mary Suedom complete.
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You have a will of iron.
Or perhaps some sort of masochistic tendency.
I do have a tendency to read bad books because they are bad. It's either masochism or morbid curiosity. Possibly both.