stock: white

Breaking Dawn, Part Deux

So let's talk a little about what I've encountered today:

1. Bella's Pregnancy o' Doom.
So I sort of started laughing hysterically when Carlisle said, "When was the first day of your last menstrual cycle?" It was just too hilarious. This is a MONSTER BABY, Carlisle. I think the first thing we need to be addressing here is how Edward still has viable sperm. But wait, I already know that story and it's craaazy, so I understand why we want to hold off on that little nugget of wisdom. Still, Bella comes to the conclusion that she's pregnant and Edward literally goes into shock. Bella is suddenly all astute and shit and realizes she needs a power player in her corner because she's in a SCREWED UP relationship where, if she doesn't have a power player protecting her, her FUCKING HUSBAND is going to coerce her into an abortion. To the point of drugging her up, strapping her down, and having it performed against her will. (No, seriously.) So she gets baby-loving Rosalie (who hated Bella previously, but now apparently doesn't because her womb is occupied) to hold her puke bucket and hiss at people who come near Bella with a needle.

Yup. Fun stuff.

So then Bella is fighting off all the vampires who are all "hey, this is a bad idea. you're like, not strong enough and possess a lady brain that can't understand how bad this is. let us do the thinking for you!" and the baby is literally punching Bella and bruising her from the inside. This girl. THIS GIRL. If it's not her husband, it's her fetus.

2. Jacob Is A Prick.
He is! He hates everyone, punches people in the nose for no reason, and has the nerve to fantasize about Bella being all swollen with his kids in the most awesomely HORRIBLE IDEA EVER brought to you by...

3. EDWARD OF ALL THAT IS TERRIFYINGLY HIDEOUS
Seriously, does he even know his own wife? Did he bother to listen to Bella at all, or get to know her, before entering into wedding bliss with her? Or were they just sitting around staring at each other because they're pretty? (Don't answer. We know the answer. It's obvious.)

Edward's solution, at least in the short term, to the Pregnancy o' Doom is to a) completely panic, b) hatch a failed plan to abort Monster Baby o' Doom against Bella's will involving straps and drugs (yes, seriously) and c) convince Jacob that they can convince Bella to abort his kid and carry Jacob's instead. NO SERIOUSLY.

Okay, let's regroup on that last one. Edward assumes that Bella wants to keep the kid because, hey, it's a kid. Kids are, like, interchangeable! Surely Bella won't care what kid she's got cooking in her freesia-scented womb because she's a baby-loving female and females are nondiscriminatory about fetuses. Any fetus is just as good as the next to a lady. What do they know? They just want to nurture! So he decides that since Bella is so in love with Monster Baby, which will surely kill her since Monster Babies have this nasty tendency to get confused during birth and take the wrong path out, the logical conclusion is to convince her to abort Monster Baby and start over again with another baby. A baby that is part Jacob! We can all be happy living in some odd polyamorous relationship where Bella births puppies on the weekends, because babies make Bella's lady brain happy and Edward just wants to please Bella/stop the Monster Baby from eating its way out of her womb instead of taking the logical path out like all the smarter human babies. And Jacob is all "THE HELL" while secretly enjoying the idea of using Bella like a video rental. That is exactly the term he uses. Bella the video rental!

And so Jacob runs this idea past Bella...sort of...and Bella's response is that Edward loves her so much. He is in so much man pain. Or something. Look at his suffering, OMG it's so beautiful and she doesn't deserve either of them OMG OMG Monster Baby Kicking Spleen OMG dazzle. She totally misses the point that Edward was happily signing her up for a relationship she clearly wasn't going to sign up for because he effing loves her.

Just. What. The fuck. I can't even. NO.

So. Offensiveness to both sexes aside, why did Edward even think that idea was going to work? It's stupid. He is stupid. This book is stupid. I can't. I just...can't. But I will. By god, I will.
Tags:
You know... your commentary kind of makes me want to expose myself to the audiobook when I have to drive back down to AR. It /is/ a ten hour trip... I know a horrible book would keep me occupied.
I recommend it for long journeys. Although, there's a lot of arguing and discussion in this book. Enough that I tend to zone out. But then something offensive happens and I'm back to wide awake and pissed!
Mara, this post is hilarious! Your commentary is brilliant! Please do more posts like this in the future!

I got Breaking Dawn from the library several months ago. I haven't read any of the other Twilight books, so didn't really know what was going on. But, still. What? (I never got past their honeymoon, and returned the book as soon as I could!) The ripped pillows? The feathers? Bella wondering what she was covered in, before finally realizing they were feathers?

Can't remember much more (and maybe I'm even misremembering the above). Saw the trailer for the movie when I went to see the newest Harry Potter, and could not help noticing how there didn't really seem to be a plot.
Oh, rest assured that there is no plot. I'm in part three of BD, just as Bella is waking up from being vampirized and discovering that for her there will be no newfangled vampire downsides. She's awesome! Previously, Jacob spent part two complaining and acting surly and having lots of random discussions while the monster baby slowly killed Bella and Edward spent all his time clinging to Bella's leg and nuzzling her knee. I got so bored I started skipping through the audiobook!

My first attempt at this book, I got to right about the pillow biting and I shut the book, convinced that nothing good could come of this. You were not misremembering anything, unfortunately.

Another update is imminent!