twilight: porn

i failed the first time.

I'm listening to Breaking Dawn during my commute, since a friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, peer pressured me into it. I'm having a lot of feelings, mainly while I'm driving. It's horrible.


I haven't gotten out of the honeymoon yet, and wow is there a lot of manipulation going on. Edward is withholding sex, Bella is manipulating him into sex by promising to put off becoming a vampire (since to become a vampire is to give up a certain level of humanity/human emotion/sensation, although I honestly think this is absolutely ridiculous because clearly every single Cullen is making out just fine in this department). Bella whines and bitches and goes so far as to burst into tears because she woke up during a sex dream to a reality in which Edward was withholding sex. The horror, you guys!

And then he gave in to her weak, female, human tears and broke the bed.

ALSO, for a girl who is obsessed with sex, how can she literally not remember things like exploding pillows and shattered beds? Who doesn't remember sex that resulted in those things? Does Edward's godlike marble presence cause her to fall into a sex coma during the act? And what is up with the sex of doom, anyway? Edward is not the cartoon Tasmanian Devil. I think he can figure out how to deflower Bella and not break things/kill her.

And the arguments. They are on their honeymoon and I cringe every time one of them talks. It would be one thing if they were in some sort of agreed upon sadomasochistic relationship, but they are not. Bella's all "am I in trouble?" and I'm thinking "dude, you just want sex, and clearly you're living through this so what the fuck is the big deal? maybe you should just explain to the guy that you like bruises, because CLEARLY YOU DO." And Edward. Oh my god, I hate him. I can't even pull together my thoughts on my level of hate.

I have gotten through two discs and it's such a tidal wave of issues that I want to scream at someone...anyone...about my many, many problems with this crap ton of shit, but I can't organize these thoughts into intelligent points for sane discourse.


I'm going to go to Pittsburgh tomorrow, and I'm going to listen to it the whole damn way.
All things related to the Twilight books are just awful. Unless it's making fun of all things related to Twilight.

Though it makes you wonder why shit like that gets published and the good stuff (like your novel!) sit in the publishing wasteland. Damn Stephanie Meyers and her horrible, horrible writing.
I think the recent decision by Simon & Schuster (and sudden retraction) to dump an award-winning series right after they signed Hilary Duff (who is apparently a YA "writer" now?) says a lot about the state of the publishing industry in general.

I've just gotten to Bella's realization that she's pregnant, and the disc started skipping, saving me from Edward's decision to react to this news by standing and staring coldly...again. That's like his default setting.
Ugh, Hilary Duff.

I love that the CDs/your player is also digusted by all things Twilight. It's as if the universe is trying to spare you!
I refused to let it spare me! I had to know how Edward and Bella would react to the crazy monster baby. And apparently it was refusing to speak to each other for 24 hours worth of travel.

God, how do they even stand being around each other? They're so awkward it's painful.
I hated all those books. Hated with a fierce passion. *shudders* It would take me weeks to describe all the issues I had with them. :P
Oh, I always said I could write a dissertation on these books. If I ever go back for my PhD in some humanities field, that's totally happening.
But manipulation is romantic. Didn't you know? It just shows how much they love each other!
I know, right? Edward doesn't want to hurt Bella! (Until...suddenly it stopped being such an issue and it was sex, sex, sex all the time.) And Bella...just wants sex. Seriously, she's obsessed to an almost unhealthy degree. Bella's manipulation was almost the more offensive of the two, it pains me to say.